like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
