This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
my nose is crying tears of wow.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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