Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
only if we run a train.
done.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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