he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
