I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
