i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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