That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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