I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
