My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
