I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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