Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
home. puking in laundry basket.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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