I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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