nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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