he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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