Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
