forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
