I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
