Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
