im drinking this country out of the recession.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
