I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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