I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
