Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
