I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
