The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
