that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
