Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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