If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
