hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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