Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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