You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
