I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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