; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
