Where did you get a picture of my penis
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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