The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
