Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
