Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
