One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
