there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
