Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
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