i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
