He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize