Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
