if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
