Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
