I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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