do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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