She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
