I cannot find my penis.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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