I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
