i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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