i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
