I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
