You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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