I should be sponsored by Trojan
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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