New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
