only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
