sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
