i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
